The tool of SATAN

I am portly.

I am greasy haired.

Sometimes I fear I may sweat gravy.

But the thing that bugs my most is my affliction of constantly black undereyes, which make me look like either I've been punched repeatedly or I'm a chronic insomniac.

So WHY is it that when I buy something ridiculously expensive in order to fix this rather minor problem, it causes me to break out in what I can only describe as scabies?

WHY IS THIS?

I hate my life.